This week is all about photos.
When my son arrived I uploaded a lot of photos to Facebook. I was thrilled to share his first days, weeks and months with my ‘friends’ online.
If you’ve ever been at home with a newborn then you know that it can get boring. Lots of feeding, lots of diaper changes, not a lot of sleep. Facebook was a link to the outside world. Facebook was a way to show off my son without leaving my apartment.
Facebook was validation that the world thought he was just as beautiful and precious as I did. I reveled in the likes, comments and shares. I was thrilled when my husband’s Aunt said she had seen a video of Henry laughing from her daughter’s Facebook account and how wonderful his laugh was.
At some point Facebook became less about sharing and more about validation. It’s one of the reasons I got rid of my account.
I’ve been writing about photos this week, how to declutter and store them. I guess I should talk about sharing them too but honestly, I share less now.
I share less because I don’t need someone else to tell me my beach vacation looked awesome or that my son has amazing blue eyes. I share less because I’m trying to enjoy life as it happens, in the moment, instead of looking to my peers for feedback on it. I share less because I don’t need to compete over who’s life is more fabulous.
My life is pretty good. I have some down days and I have some challenges but overall I am quite happy. I don’t need to share the 10% that would impress people to make myself feel better about my life.
But you have a blog. You share all the time.
This blog is a slice of my life. A small part of it. Though I try to share what I think is relevant in terms of living smaller, I don’t share every nanosecond and every choice and every photo and every hilarious toddler anecdote that happens. I try to be honest here, that living with less stuff isn’t always easy and that sometimes I fail at it.
Since moving overseas I’ve been more intrinsically focused and motivated. In some ways my world is much smaller. I don’t have my family near me. They’re always good for feedback on what they think you’re doing wrong or right in your life. And I love them so!
Without all that Facebook feedback and feedback from friends and family I’ve found more quiet. There’s more room for me to write. More room for me to think critically about my own choices. More room for me to make mistakes.
More room for me to enjoy that photo and moment as it is. Without anyone telling me what they think of it.
It happened. Even if no one commented, liked or shared it.
Do you have friends that share their romantic gestures through social media? I saw this spectacular proposal video soon after it was posted to YouTube. It had just over 300 views at the time. It now has five million.
Guess what? It would be just as special without five million views. It would have been just as amazing if they’d never filmed it. The bride to be would still have those heart pounding moments as she thought back to her partner asking her to marry him.
I dare you to do something unexpected and amazing, to give someone on the streets $100, to make a grand romantic gesture to your partner, to pay for a strangers coffee, and to not tell a soul. I dare you to take that beautiful photo of your family, or the one of you looking spectacular in a black dress, and to not email it or post it for your friends to see.
I dare you to keep some of the beauty in your life all to yourself. To enjoy that moment and image just for what it is and not for your peers reaction to it.
I wholeheartedly agree with your take on Facebook. I deleted my account almost four years ago, and I have not once been tempted to reactivate it. I think that a life without Facebook can show you who your real friends are. Those who call you on your birthday are the ones who matter, not someone who was reminded by a social networking site. Facebook is edited; life is not. I’d rather not spend my time looking at the facade that someone has carefully put together to represent themselves. I’d rather have coffee with a friend, kiss my husband, or play with my kids.
Facebook is essentially the poor man’s tabloid. As a society, we’re so busy staring at our own reflections in the river that we’re about to fall in and drown.
Gooooo Bucks! 🙂
Thank you!! 🙂 It’s important to be reminded of this. I’ll admit, I’ve used facebook as an actual online photo album — if for no one else but myself! But I really need to find a place to organize my photos PRIVATELY online. Also, this past February we found out we were expecting our first baby in October. Never before did my online privacy become more important — I deleted a large handful of people off of my facebook page and only kept the people online with whom I would want to share photos and things from our life. It’s been refreshing, but I still have a long way to go!
Great post, I so agree with you. This is truly the age of 15 minutes of fame and people fight for a spotlight and every person has to share everything with others to feel like they are actually living, that they are real.
I like the idea that things can be just between me and God – yes my life is real and I am real, even if nobody knows me or hears me or sees me.
I agree with your main point, though I have to admit I find FB useful (truthfully I much prefer Google+ except that everyone else is on FB, sigh) to share some basic and, yes, almost invariably trivial but positive update about my family, usually related to my kid (who, after all, being a kid is changing a lot faster than the rest of us!). I don’t use it to post serious stuff (negative or positive) because anything serious I want to take the time to inform people of privately.
Now if I could only get everyone else to understand that it is this, and not frequent updates, that FB (etc.) is for. Also that serious news should never be announced there first! I’m not holding my breath on either goal…
oops, a key point of the above, but omitted from what I posted, is that I figure the appropriate frequency of such postings is approximately monthly …
Thank you for this! I have backed way, way off facebook. I think my son is around the same age as yours (he just turned 3) and I also found myself constantly posting cute photos, anecdotes, etc. at first. I started to back off when he was around 18 months old and I realized that every time he did something funny or cute or amazing, all I was thinking was “I have GOT to put this on facebook!” I made a conscious effort to enjoy the moment and not put it on facebook. I now have no photos at all on facebook, and I have deleted all my old status updates and do not post new ones. I have not yet entirely quit it, because most of my friends only schedule parties, playdates, etc. through facebook messages. But I have stopped using it to chronicle my life and now only use it to contact people. And I enjoy those moments with my son more! My goal now is to stop taking iphone photos of those cute moments to text to my husband when he’s not there to see in person. That’s proving more challenging, but I’m getting there! Your posts about photos this week have been really helpful!
I love this post. But I must admit I chuckled when I got to the end and found the standard “like this post? Share it on facebook” 🙂
Love this post.
Funny, how recently someone mentioned how modest and reserved I was, and someone else said I should put more photos and updates to my Facebook page. 🙂 I think I’m simply too shy to promote myself and my life to people. Also, I don’t want to expose myself to feeling offended should I not get six million likes when posting a cute photo of my kids or when updating my friends on an event which might be important to me but not for them. 🙂 ( Though the whole psychology of Facebook amazes me.)
I’m still on FB and I do share a lot (photos in particular). But as a SAHM with parents far away an ILs far away it’s been the easiest way for them to experience the girls as they grow. I probably need to cull my friends list and turn off phone notifications and this post has motivated me to do so… but I DO keep photos just for my hubby and I or just the memories. 🙂
Love it! I deleted my facebook account almost a year ago. There are things I miss about it (keeping in touch with people who aren’t local), but the negatives outweighed the positives. I do still go through my husband’s FB account for things like couponing. Thankfully his friend list is minimal, so going through his newsfeed isn’t too time consuming.
🙂 We just had a special once in a lifetime (really, twice with Vancouver 2010) experience seeing the Olympic Torch Relay in person. I got one great picture of my son and husband as the torch passed us but otherwise got to jump around and cheer and ENJOY the moment.
Ahhhh high school. That’s it exactly. I felt ‘less than’ in high school and Facebook often brought up those same feelings. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say.
Thank you for expressing so well the feelings of “high school” and Facebook. I’ve never been on Facebook, and have no plans to ever join. Yet I continue to get pressured from people insisting I join! Despite my telling them I have no intention of joining Facebook.
Why this pressure to join Facebook? I suspect, because it’s easier for them! Oh they post all their pictures on Facebook, and the extra time to send any to me via e-mail is an extra hassle, or instead of writing of calling me with whatever is new, that I should join Facebook to read all about their trip that way, etc etc. They only have to write / post just the one time. I’m all for saving time of course. But this “passive aggressive pressure” so reminds me of high school, and the feeling of being less than or left out. I push those feeling aside – and get on with my day.
I was just talking with my hubby about this, I have never owned a FB account, and I think that validation from others is a from of clutter, as when I used to look from others validation of what I did, my mind was too filled with nonsense. and that was only in the form of pictures through emails, of my kids, of my new hair cut, etc. Now, that I have changed into a more minimalist lifestyle, I do not seek out others approval as much and thus Im also glad i never went as far as FB.
This might be a tad ironic, but I decided to share this post on my facebook page! I’ve shared some minimalist blog posts before and I have a few cousins and such that really enjoy them. I think everyone on facebook really needs to read this! Personally, I have recently pared down my facebook time to once or twice a week. I do like it for the community aspect, like event sharing and such. Besides that I have unsubscribed to most of the “friends” I haven’t seen within the past year. It’s made a huge difference in my free time!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.. for writing down exactly what I’ve been thinking, and for the time and effort you dedicate to this blog, it’s made a great difference in my life over the past few months.
This is a truly beautiful post.
Thank you for such a well written and thought out post. I appreciate hearing someone else articulate how I feel 🙂
I wouldn’t even have read this if it wasn’t on my timeline. FB is changing the world (Egypt) and is still banned in four countries because it is so powerful. I don’t hate FB I just don’t want to hear about every time your baby burps. How can you live internationally and not realize it importance? CUTE PIC !!! LIKE !
I had given up Facebook a few months ago, with the intent of reactivating my account within 2 months. That hasn’t happened yet. I just don’t miss it that much. Every time I think, “I should post this!” I then really consider who would care, and is it really necessary? I call my family if I think they really want to know.
Yes, yes, and more yes! I totally agree and have been cutting back on all social media (except my private blog for family).
Love your thoughts! Validation of others versus self is such an important thing to consider. Had to chuckle as I shared your post with several friends. 🙂 Over the past two years I have dramatically cut back on Facebook. I use my blog to communicate select pictures and experiences to far-flung family and friends who are actually interested in following our life.
Thank you for this. I don’t post much to social media sites anymore but it was a tough adjustment. I remember last summer when we went camping one weekend and so did another family we know. That mom posted a ton of pictures and got dozens of comments about how beautiful her kids are, what a good mom she is for taking them camping, how lucky her family is to have her in it. I started to feel really bad, that people must think less of me as a parent because they don’t know that I took my kid camping. We had such a great time! My life is interesting and fun too! Then I thought about how awesome my mom was, how much she accomplished in a day without looking at a screen once, all the beautiful things she made without being inspired by Pinterest or sharing on Ravelry, and how much energy she put into our family rather than out into gaining views and clicks. THAT was a good parenting. Facebook is just a tool to keep in touch with distant friends and family, NOT a place to document every detail of my life or prove how interesting and fun I am as a parent or how talented a seamstress or how loving a mother and wife. I’m looking forward to an unplugged summer!
So true. Our parents did the work, made it fun and weren’t looking for accolades at every corner (well, maybe at the school bake sale :).
Are you unplugging for the whole summer?! I’m thinking about taking two weeks offline in August. I have a long list of writing projects (non-blog related) that I would like to spend time on.
I agree wholeheartedly with your post. I got rid of FB on my phone because I found myself “checking in” far too much. It can be such a time sink and lead to those competitive tendencies. I also “unsubscribed” from habitual “over-sharers.” I got tired of the endless stream of “cute” kid photos, kid milestones, and date night photos. My life is much happier as a result.
I feel much happier with my life without Facebook too. Funny, my wardrobe hasn’t changed and we’re still living the same lifestyle yet, I’m more content with what I have.
I have had the same thoughts lately on why I got rid of my facebook account. Also, I’ve been reading about Daniel Suelo – The Man Who Quit Money, and saw this excellent quote that I want to keep close and practice:
“Creating without claiming,
Doing without taking credit,
Guiding without interfering:
This is the Primal Virtue.
— Lao Tzu (Tao Te Ching 51)”
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing, Tara.
That is one happy looking little kiddo! We’ll forgive him for the OSU thing though – cute trumps all! 😉
As far as FB is concerned & folks announcing life’s every moments….I can recall a handful of folks growing up that were “loudmouths”. They had something to say about everything. They found any opportunity to brag about themselves. They tended to shoot down others for sport as well as point out & capitalize on others weaknesses. They offered up unsolicted advice “for your benefit”. They were the one’s who couldn’t resist bragging about everything & gossiping about everyone. They also tended to one up you on everything as well – if you, did something, well they did it bigger & better. For example – if you went to the beach for vacation, well they took a space shuttle trip.
These are also the folks who tend to talk smack about their spouses. They have no filters on what is appropriate to discuss with others & what should remain in confidence or stay behind closed doors. I had a former co-worker who posted / told of every spat she & her husband had in great detail. She told us of his physical shortcomings & his character flaws. It was beyond awkward. Anyways, It came as no surprise to anyone that this guy finally literally walked out on her when the youngest kid graduated high school.
These folks didn’t go away as we got older – they just populated FB.
And I think FB makes us all feel like over-sharing is perfectly ok. In the “old days” you would talk to your Mom or sister or good friends on the phone and share the ‘milestones’ about your kids or your job, not stop every parent you encounter casually and tell them the same story. I don’t need to tell 100 people about milestones in our lives (and you know I’d never share the setbacks in that fashion).
We often tell our kids that they have to recognize the difference between chatting/sharing among friends in a live conversation and putting brags/gossip out on FB or twitter (which is forever). Adults over-sharing on social media is really not any different.
This is an interesting conversation on over sharing.
I see a generational divide, a very harsh one, with people that grew up with social media and those that didn’t. I’m meeting more people in their early 20’s who, in my opinion share far too much about themselves, talk too much about themselves and lack real conversation skills. Everything is brought back to them. I find it bizarre. Of course, I’m also someone that loves to ask questions and know more about people, their family, what they love, etc. So I’m terrible about bringing a conversation back around to myself. Hmmm… maybe that’s why I blog?
I’m there with you. At times, I feel I’m “missing out” by not being 25 anymore. At others, I’m so glad I lived a big chunk of life before personal computers even existed, let alone social networking (except actual human contact, face to face). Seems like it’s so much more of a CHOICE for somewhat older people than a HAVE TO. God, what a relief! I’m proof you can have a FB account with some 700 friends (I’m a performer and “friend” people for that reason if they ask) and only check it about twice a month. I don’t delete it because I like to hear from and about loved ones far away, and get the occasional inspirational or funny youtube post. That’s about it. (Except for thinking I should actually do some FB promo someday… I’m working at dropping that self-criticism, though; the idea of “fame” isn’t as sparkly as it used to seem, while walks with my family are better than ever.) I get scared for my daughter’s generation, being trapped in this world and maybe not realizing they have absolute choice in the matter. And that their social lives won’t end (and may improve!) if they back away from the mouse. THANKS for this and other posts. Minimalism is really helping me with my FOMO (fear of missing out) and envy.
Great article. I’ve also never been on Facebook. Loved the thoughts on feedback – wanted or not! I’ve always loved the phrase – “Integrity is doing what’s right when no one is watching”
That is a great phrase. Thank you for sharing it here.
In total agreement. A loved one recently commented to me, “I don’t know why you don’t just do things the normal way.” And you know what? As much as it hurt at first, my time spent in reflection and prayer led me to understand what a wonderful compliment that was to my life. We don’t have Facebook (never have) and live a life where we seek less stuff and want more experiences. Most of my family doesn’t get it, but me and my husband do. All I need is his love and support – that is enough validation for me.
Great post! Wraps up many of the random thoughts I’ve had about the “share everything” Facebook world. I also gave up my Facebook account in February. Two thoughts:
1) I remember when I (as a young adult) realized that the phrase: “the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing” didn’t have anything to do with 2 entities not being in sync (it’s often misused to describe disorganization), but rather to not draw attention to your honorable deeds. I’m not particularly religious, but I like knowing its roots come from the bible and have a much more interesting meaning:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_6:3
But when you do merciful deeds, don’t let
your left hand know what your right hand does
2) Building on the above, I realized that the public “shares” often have a flipside. Your friend with a child that is struggling when yours is thriving, your friend who has a real-life struggle with cancer so your public brags/gripes are meaningless, the person’s whose child is not a 4.0 scholarship student. Letting the “right hand” know can be a bummer who may not be as fortunate as you.
Great stuff.
A-MEN!!!