Holidays

How to Change or End a Gift Giving Tradition

by theminimalistmom |
No more gifts! How to go no gifts (more meaning) with family and friends.

Gift Giving and Receiving is Supposed to be a Joyous and Celebrated Affair

According to Wikipedia, modern gift giving was made popular in the 1800s when Queen Victoria’s tradition of giving gifts for the new year merged with the Christmas holiday. Prince Albert popularized the Christmas tree and our modern take on Christmas was born. In the Victorian era gifts started out as small items that were tied to the tree. The poorer Victorian era families filled stockings with nuts and dried fruits as their gifts.

Today, the average spend on Christmas is close to $1000 per person. Joshua Becker compiled a sobering list of what our households average in consumer goods and the statistics support that maybe we really don’t need $1000 worth of new stuff once a year. Two examples: British researchers found the the average 10 year old has 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily and America has 3.1% of the world’s children but owns 40% of the world’s toys.

So it’s no surprise that one of the most frequent questions I receive is: how do I get people to stop buying my kids so many gifts? And next up: how do I get out of a gift giving tradition?

Let’s start with the emotions and motivations behind gift giving. Your situation is unique but there are often some universal truths to gift giving:

  • People give gifts with love.
  • Over spend can happen because they want to show you this love.
  • People rarely think about the lifecycle of the gift they give: how it was made, who made it, how long it will last and where it will ultimately end up

Gift Giving is Often a Love Language

I care about you and want to show it by giving you things I think you will enjoy. There are many ways to say I love you. For some people gift giving is their way of saying they care.

With that in mind, when you want to change how gifts are given and received think about keeping the meaning and getting rid of the stuff. And use that same language when you bring up changing how you give gifts. Here’s a couple examples:

I want to celebrate our friendship in a different way this year. Could we trade up our annual gift exchange for time together at an activity or event or simply at my home catching up?

The kids really have enough toys. But they would really love more time with you. Could you think about giving them the gift of your time? Either as an experience together – tickets to an event, an excursion – or simply as a day together doing things we all like – board games, cooking, sledding, reading a book series.

Let it Be Known that You May Return or Donate Physical Gifts

I suggest not having this conversation in the moment of gift presentation. It should be had before gifts are bought and holiday plans are made. If not then than days or even weeks after the gift has been received is a good time for this talk. Here are examples:

I want to talk about gift giving this year. We’d like to do something different than our usual gift exchange. We’ve found it onerous in time/expense/space. The kids/I really already have everything we need and are trying to keep a less cluttered home. We will likely donate or return any physical gifts we receive. I wanted to let you know before hand so you aren’t disappointed or upset if we don’t keep your gift.

Thank you for the ____. I know it was given with a lot of love. As you may know, we are trying to keep our home less cluttered. We’re really fortunate to have all that we need so won’t be able to use your gift. I wanted to let you know that I will be returning/donating the gift.

These Aren’t Easy Conversations

People may ask for their gift back.

I would give it to them no questions asked.

If they seem open minded this is a great starting point for talking about alternate ways to give to/with each other. Donate to a charity you both feel strongly about with time or money. Be together.

Show that you care for them or love them or appreciate them in a way that doesn’t involve wrapping something up.

This may be a new way for you to express yourself. It may be a new way for the other person to express themselves. Be gentle and kind with one another as you explore a new language and method of gift giving.

Some people give gifts purely out of a sense of obligation.

They’re the easiest ones to change a gift giving tradition with. You’ll see immediate relief when you ask if they’d like to stop swapping back and forth the same bottle of wine or box of chocolates and would, instead, finally go for that walk and chat you’ve been meaning to make happen all year.

Another one to alleviate some of your anxiety about this change: many people can’t remember what they bought you or simply do not care what you do with that gift. So if it is unavoidable to receive a gift simply accept it graciously and then return or donate it.

Avoid having discussions about minimalism during gift opening.

In the heat of present unwrapping no one wants to hear your thoughts on the waste and excess of giving gifts to people that already have everything they need. This conversation is for months or weeks before Christmas/birthdays/other gift giving holidays and for months or weeks after those holidays.

Speak to the Intention and Emotion of the Gift

Your friends and family don’t give you gifts of things you don’t need/want because they are ‘out to get you’ or ‘don’t care about you’. They simply think that this is what they do this time of year. Give people stuff. And that to not give you something would signify that they don’t care about you.

Your goal is to slowly change the conversation and ideas of your gift giving from stuff = caring, to acts of caring = caring. That act could be a heartfelt letter, a dinner together or helping someone clean out their garage. Caring is so much more than something that came with a receipt.

If you’ve changed your gift giving with family and friends please share how you did it! My family (my siblings and mother) changed our gift giving over 15 years ago, switching from traditional gifts to each other to buying gifts and food for families in need or making a monetary donation to a charity (we usually still get something for our mom though!). 

More about simplifying the holidays:

  • Our family doesn’t exchange he gifts at all. We are all happy with that.
    But I can not imagine telling someone I am returning or donating their gift. That is incredibly rude imho.
    I would instead talk to them before the next holiday and explain why we don’t want to receive any more gifts etc.
    But wow to tell them thanks

    but no thanks AFTER they are thoughtful enough to give you something? Unecessary and hurtful.

  • On my side of the family we’ve only given gifts to the kids for the last few years and this year I asked for experience type gifts only for my kids given our smallish space under 1000sqft- fingers crossed folks listen but I like the idea of just donating/returning if not.

    On my husband’s side we finally pared down to a secret santa this year. I thought people would resist the idea but everyone was very excited and just as relieved to reduce the stress and expense of obligatory gifting for 10 adults.

  • I have tried moving towards no gifts or just charities and consumables but others would insist they wanted to exchange stuff. This year we had some big medical bills, (nothing serious, but still a hit to the budget), and had no choice to let go of it all if we wanted to stay within budget. I offered to host a simple dinner and asked each person to contribute something as a side dish or dessert but not time-consuming to make. I also suggested small stocking stuffers which are usually dried fruits, nuts, a bit of chocolate, and maybe a small tube of hand cream or something similar I will actually use. I hope this works well so next year we can do the same.

  • We stopped participating in the big family gift exchange a few years ago. My siblings would make detailed lists, we’d draw names, and then buy someone something from the list. It felt impersonal and more like an obligation than anything joyful. It’s been freeing since we opted out. We’re considered the Xmas grinches, but I don’t mind, especially since we also haven’t had to “upgrade” our house just to store all the stuff we’ve acquired–our lives are just drastically different from theirs!

    My mother-in-law recently took us on vacation for Thanksgiving, and she drastically reduced the number of toys she bought the kids. IT WAS AMAZING! After years of modeling “less”, she’s caught on to our ways. I’d much prefer a week in the mountains to a pile of dollar store junk.

    • This is so nice to hear. I think people can get deterred if their first attempts at downsizing Christmas don’t go well. It’s nice to hear that long term persistence reaps rewards.

  • Great points! My partner and I have transitioned to celebrating the holidays and exchanging gifts that are either experiences (holiday concerts, movie or play tickets, restaraunt or yoga session gift cards) or consumables (favorite personal care supplies, etc) rather than “things.” With friends we exchange wine, chocolates, etc to avoid burdening them with clutter.

    • Only gifts that make sense for adults is food baskets, gift cards for stores they like to shop, can’t go wrong. I do food baskets and start making them up in early Nov. giving them out in early Dec.

  • Pingback: How to change or end gift-giving traditions – Simplicity Voices

  • My parents have decided to give a yearly family field trip to my siblings and my families as the main Christmas gift. Our group of 20 loves doing road trips together while making wonderful memories. It is so nice to get an expense-paid getaway that we and all our kids will love and remember forever. Through this, we have grown closer as a family and it doesn’t clutter the home with unwanted items. It’s a win-win!

    • Leslie – this is wonderful! My side of the family doesn’t exchange many gifts but we have a 4 day getaway together once a year. It’s a significant effort to get everyone’s schedules lined up but so rewarding.

  • Honesty is the best policy. Years ago I started the conversation about gift scaling back with friends/family and then each year I suggest reducing further – and it’s working. I exchange a token with approx. 6 members of close family – predominately consumable unless I know of a specific thing they need. Apart from that I make up a few (recycled) baskets of evergreens to hand out – which I do because I enjoy it and it’s not a chore – it’s gets me in the festive spirit. Cards aren’t sent – a charity donation instead. Consistency is key (do not wobble and impulse buy!) then everyone knows where they stand.

  • It’s taken a few years and conversations, but my family has been moving toward giving us experience or consumable gifts. This year, my 5 year old son requested a visit to a water park he likes. My mom was on board for a family gift card and just a small stuffed animal so she can see him “open” something. Last year, I requested a donation in my name, and she honored that, with a small bath item on the side. For us, this is the balance that allows the giver and receiver to participate with joy. Our gift to parents and grandparents is a family photo calendar that they request yearly.

  • This year my sister and I (who have very similar tastes) will just be exchanging food gifts. I know we’re both excited to shop for things that will actually be loved!

  • My adult children and their partners and I are practicing this lovely Icelandic tradition. We each post a wishlist of books online from which others will choose. We will also list a non-profit that we wish to support. There is no set amount for the donations, but each gives what he or she wishes and no one knows the amounts that are given. Our gifts will limited to these two things. We each get something we want and shopping is no stress.

  • Last year we traded our family ’18 and older’ swap tradition for donating to a charity. We gathered for a brunch at my home, chatted, laughed, caught up on life, then we each put our nominated charity name into a container and had one of the kids reach in and choose one. The ‘winner’ charity received the money that we would have all spent on gifts for each other. The person who recommended that charity also explained what that charity does, where it’s located and why it’s important to them. It was a great way to learn about organizations that you may not be aware of. While we had dessert, the conversation turned to the other charities that didn’t receive our money that year. Everyone enjoyed this new tradition for so many reasons!

    • Kris – I enjoyed this so much I’ve shared it on my blog Facebook page. This is exactly the kind of new tradition I hope people think about when they want to change how they give and receive gifts. It doesn’t have to be austerity and deprivation. It can be warm, joyful and more rewarding than your past traditions. Enjoy the holidays!

  • we’ve tried having this conversation in many different ways over the last decade, but i’ve finally accepted that my parents just need to show their love with gifts. last year, for my daughter’s (first!) birthday i asked my mom to buy her kindergym class pass (10 weeks) and then invited her to take her to a few sessions. my mom did…but then asked, “but what can i buy her? she needs something to open!” i mean… 1) you just bought her something and 2) she’s one. fighting a losing battle there. BUT what has worked with everyone else is “gifting like we’d like to be gifted to.” it took a few holidays, but everyone else that we used to exchange expensive presents with gives us something consumable, gift cards to restaurants, a card in the mail or nothing at all. no conversation necessary… people notice pretty quickly when you shift your own gift-giving style and are usually pretty eager to match, especially when the “new way” is less expensive and stressful than the way you used to do things.

    • I have also accepted that some of our family need to show their love with gifts. And they know that we return or donate many of these gifts (somehow my kids have yet to notice that over half the gifts they opened disappear – I think this will change soon and I’ll have some work to do!).
      Nice to hear that when you change how you give, others get the hint and follow suit. 🙂

  • Two years ago, I presented my thoughts on how we could “minimalize” our Christmas with my mom’s side of the family. It just got so out of control to have 22+ people to buy gifts for, not to mention the time it took to go around in circles by age, opening one gift at a time. Finishing up opening gifts at 1am with babies and small children was no longer acceptable! We are now on year 2 of a name-draw where each person gets someone else’s name and a $25 limit and it seems to be working so far (and saving time). I would like to eliminate the name draw altogether, in order to spend more time talking and catching up with everyone instead of watching them open gifts, but I am choosing my battles, as it is vastly improved from previous years!

    • we did this for a long time – went from everyone or at least all families to 2 names each for all, then down to one, then to just the cousins i think…finally we didn’t have enough that wanted to b/c of time & distance & mailing factors as they were spread around for college…so we went to a gift grab (no better word yet) as a game and interactive for all and just those present. less mailing, fun for all, not directed gifts at a certain person. we still get a small something for our elderly mother to brighten her spot or a chocolate box or something.

      each family has their own style and traditions of course…we each have our own christmases as home then too. i give our family a game and/or puzzle or two each year and that’s a highlight. this year it’s more that than other!

    • Thanks for sharing this Jen. And yes, baby steps! This change from one-to-one gift giving to a name-draw is so practical and I think one of the easier ways to change up ways we give gifts. Like you, I’d love to just skip right to something else like an activity or meal together, perhaps donating to a charity, but this is such a good solution to drastically cut the gift giving. And what a wonderful tradition to gather and make sharing and voting on the charity part of the fun.

  • With my family it was fairly easy, I just asked my siblings if they wanted to do an activity together without our kids instead of gifts and everyone said yes. With my husband’s family… it did not go over as smoothly. We still get gifts from his parents. And every year I return or donate them. My MIL knows how I feel and she has agreed with my on it. But she still feels like she needs to buy us all presents.

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