Has a book ever come to you at the perfect time and place in your life? Chalk it up to luck, and Amazon’s creepy algorithm, but I found Melody Warnick’s book, This is Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are, just when I needed it last fall. We’d just moved to a mountain town from the city and I knew it was going to be a challenge to build roots here, to really dive into becoming a local and build community.
I’m not new to moving and the challenges it brings. I spent most of my early 20s being ‘bi-coastal’ as they say, moving and travelling multiple times a year as I pursued going to the Olympics. Of course, in those years I moved with a group of amazing women who really were my family. I didn’t need to build community for those moves: we moved as a community together. When I moved back to my hometown of Vancouver after retiring from sport I had one of those classic fresh starts. And it was hard. While I love Vancouver I will say, in my many years living there off and on I have found it hard to meet people and build friendships. Of course, moving a lot certainly doesn’t help things.
With our move to a small town in the mountains I really wanted to put down roots. I wanted to love where I lived. No small feat because I really loved Vancouver. And I thought of myself as a city person. Not in the “I must have access to world class cultural events and au courant dining experiences” way but in the “I really like to walk everywhere and enjoy the convenience of living in a high density family friendly city neighbourhood” way. So I knew I needed to dig in to small town living. I knew I needed to make myself fall for this little town that doesn’t have a coffee shop open before eight in the morning and has really limited options for a Tuesday evening out. I knew I needed to unearth and grow a new and different appreciation for where I lived than I ever had before. I had some ideas about how I would do all of that and then Melody’s book gave me so much more.
It’s been six months since we moved to this town and I’ve been chipping away at getting to know this place and its people. My strategy has largely been guided by the following list from Warnick’s book “This is Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are” of attachment behaviours. Warnick theorizes that the following actions help build attachment to where you live.
- Walk more.
- Buy local.
- Get to know my neighbours.
- Do fun stuff.
- Explore nature.
- Volunteer.
- Eat local.
- Become more political.
- Create something new.
- Stay loyal through hard times.
Walk more. Walking is my favourite mode of transport (cycling a close second) so this was an easy one for me. I walked the kids to school and walked in to town for errands whenever I could. Then winter hit. From December to the end of March our errands and the school drop off were mostly by car. I found it frustrating until I began to go for walks by myself and with my husband. I had to carve out time for it but I made sure to walk every day, either chatting with my husband or, often, I would go for a walk and call a friend or one of my sisters for a long chat. If no one was around to talk on the phone I’d listen to podcasts (love Slow Your Home , Honest Money Conversations and Slate’s Mom and Dad are Fighting) or just enjoy the quiet. My snow boots got a lot of miles this winter and I know the area and trails around my house quite well now.
Did walking help me feel more attached to my new town? Yes, it did. I often saw neighbours walking their dog and had brief conversations with them. Probably the biggest upside was that I really started to appreciate what is great about this place. The natural beauty can still make me stop and stare. I also enjoyed finding different paths and routes to places. This was an easy for me attachment practice. Nice because the rest of the list had a lot more work in store for me!
Buy local. There is very limited retail in this town. Many locals complain about it but as I’m not highly interested in shopping it really doesn’t bother me that we don’t have a mall or department store. But we do have: several hardware and building stores, a few clothing stores, a thrift store, an office supply store, health food store and a few more retail stores like a yarn shop and second hand furniture shop. After the first snowfall we took our oldest and youngest down to the bigger clothing store that sells winter boots and bought them both a pair. Could we have saved money ordering online? Yes. But the boys were in different sizing than I thought they would be and I would have had to make returns by post and possibly have had to pay the return. The local retailer had a good return policy and staff were very helpful fitting the boys. Plus: it feels good to support local businesses.
The other buy local experiment I did was to shop at our local food co-op. The co-op sources produce and other groceries from local producers. I will admit some hesitation over this one. There was a $50 fee to join the co-op. And there was also another fee on top of the groceries of roughly 10% of your order costs. And the food was expensive. I’d just bought a bunch of local apples through a fundraiser at 70 cents/lb. The co-op was selling apples at $2/lb. In the end I ordered just once from the co-op. It was expensive and I wasn’t thrilled with the quality of some of the items. When the farmer’s market starts up again in the spring I will shop there so I can see and touch the produce before buying and I won’t have to pay the co-op fee on the purchase (but I will still be supporting local). A more positive experience has been buying sourdough bread from someone running a cottage industry. The bread is very good (too good – I can’t stop eating it) and the price is just a bit higher than the supermarket.
Did buying local help build attachment to my community? Yes. Although the food co-op experiment was a bust I am happy we are trying to buy local when possible and I do feel more connected to the community. It also pushed us to make a few winter and bike purchases through a local shop and the owner has thanked me a few times for buying local. It makes me feel like I can have a positive effect on where I live through some pretty simple actions.
Get to know my neighbours. One thing about our neighbourhood that has surprised us: most of the people here are retired or have older kids that have left home. There aren’t as many neighbourhood kids running around as I had hoped (but there are some – more on that later). On either side of us are lovely, but retired, people. I felt a little down about this in the fall. How would we meet other people our age? How would the kids develop a gang of buddies to run around with? Also: everyone spends so much time on their lawns and gardens and we…aren’t going to do that.
But I was wrong about having older neighbours. One of our neighbours is a widow in her 80s. When the snow started we soon saw that she relied on calling friends and family over to shovel her driveway. So we started shovelling it for her. Often the kids would help out and she would call them over and have a little treat for them. When the snow recently melted for good she gave us a homemade apple pie. It was the best apple pie I have ever tasted (full disclosure: I had a slice for breakfast. Amazing with coffee). And our two younger kids really love her small dogs and we go and visit her and the dogs when they are out on her porch. The neighbours on the other side of us are also retired and have a wonderful old dog the kids love to say hi to. We see those neighbours out in town or walking their dog quite a bit. There’s always a wave and some words. Recently we had a through the backyard fence chat and the wife said how nice it was to hear kids playing in our backyard. Which made me feel great because I often worry that in a mostly retired neighbourhood my kids are seen as a nuisance.
We also found a family a block away that we are getting to know. I volunteer on a board with the wife and they have young kids too. Their house is on my running route and if they are out front when I come by I always use it as an excuse for a break and a chat. Getting to know our neighbours, even for just the quick hello while picking up mail or a wave as we ride by on our bikes, has definitely helped us build attachment to this place.
One of the brilliant things about Warnick’s book is that it’s not just for people who have moved. Her advice and the research she shares could all fall under the title ‘ways to enjoy your life more and build purpose and contentment.’ If you’re feeling that you need a change or want to meet new people or do new things, this book could be a great guide for you. If you’re considering moving because you don’t feel at home where you are because you think there is something better out there: read this book.
Have you every moved to a new city, town or country? How did you build community and attachment?
Melody Warnick’s book is so eye-opening!
I only ever really fell in love and felt at home in one place: Sackville, New Brunswick. It’s where my wife and I attended university. I never really understood why it felt so comfortable (Maybe everyone loves their first university town? Maybe it’s the first time we were away from our hometown?) But now I realize that it’s because it (and we) hit pretty much all of the items on Warnick’s list (I didn’t really volunteer or get involved in local politics).
We live in Bathurst, NB now (our hometown) and we’re taking steps to make it feel like home, but we’re still saving up and planning to move back to Sackville someday. I now Warnick writes that you can make anywhere feel like home by taking the right steps, but some towns and cities have such a communal feel and that makes it so much easier.
If you know you love a place and it’s attainable to move back – go! I think that’s part of the message of Melody’s book: you should be attached and like where you live. Attachment is associated with longevity and good mental health. Good luck with the move back!
I always enjoy your posts. I have never made a move, but my husband is finishing up his final year in a medical program and we are contemplating a big move to the East Coast (possibly Virginia or Pennsylvania). I live in Houston, TX where I have lived for my entire 37 years, minus the four years to go to college in state. We are excited and scared. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the book recommendation. We have two young children and are well aware of the challenges we will face as we will have no family support. We are both rather chatty, friendly, outdoorsy people and hope we are well received in our new city. I could definitely do the walking thing and get to know your neighbors. We spend more time as a family in the front yard than the back yard and I’ve really gotten to know my also much more mature neighbors over the years. We even have neighbors from Vietnam and a few from Mexico. It’s a real treat to let your guard down and say hello, they become your friends after time.
Angela: sounds like you are set-up for success with your move! Good luck 🙂