Hosting gifts are always the same from me: food and drink. I’m bringing a bottle of wine or chocolates if I’m invited for dinner. If I really get my act together, and I think the host will appreciate them, I’ll bring flowers.
While I’m partial to receiving consumable hosting gifts, if I think about it, the best hosting gift I received in the last few years was a candle. For a long time I have shied away from buying candles because after “the big purge” I realized I bought many, and burned/enjoyed few. My candle buying was aspirational. I’ll buy the candle and spend more time relaxing and reading or meditating as the candle burns. Aspiration and reality weren’t meshing as I had so many candles and couldn’t remember the last time I took a stab at meditating or even sitting quietly.
But two years ago I was gifted a wonderful scented candle from friends who came for dinner. It was a fancy candle, a splurge, something I wouldn’t normally buy for myself. I put it on the window sill after dinner as I washed dishes and the scent helped clear the lingering aromas of the evening meal. A habit was born. When the kitchen was tidied I would turn the lights out and let the candle burn until going to bed. It became a nice end of day ritual.
The reason I am thinking of small luxuries right now? I read Laura Vanderkam’s All The Money in the World: What the Happiest People Know About Getting and Spending the other week. There are lots of great ways to spend money, and not spend money, to improve happiness in this book. One of the more exciting posits is that we get more out of small frequent luxuries than we do out of larger one time purchases. I’ve touched on this idea here before, that spending less on the big things – home and transportation – frees up cash for little things that can bring a lot of value. Vanderkam digs deeply into this idea and presents some surprising facts about how people spend their money.
Of course, a $5 a day latte habit is hardly frugal. When we were working to get out of consumer debt I trimmed a lot of this seemingly superfluous spending. Saving a few hundred dollars a month was worth it but it was work. It felt like work. So it makes sense to me that instead of trimming those small luxuries one would be wiser to take a chunk out of something bigger. Go down to one car or trade in a new model for something older. Live in a smaller home. I use cars and homes as examples because the other shocking statistic in this book is that most people spend around 50% of their after tax income on the two. They are the largest expenditures and yet when we’re looking to trim the budget we first slash the daily spends: groceries, dining out, entertainment, services.
We quickly adapt to what we’re driving and what we live in. Vanderkam says we’ve got it all wrong in how we think about one time big purchases like cars and homes. We think that the larger yard or the deluxe kitchen is worth spending more for because we’ll enjoy living there more. Not true says, Vanderkam. A fancy kitchen is soon our norm and that extra $15,000 we paid for the house because of it, the money we’re paying interest on, would have served us better and brought us more enjoyment if we used it to hire a babysitter every Saturday night for six years.
My family spends around 17% of our after tax income on our home and transportation costs (not including travel/vacations). True, we’re lucky to be living somewhere that it’s an option to live in a comfortable (to us) family home within walking distance of work and amenities. But it’s also a choice. I think about that choice when I drive my little car that has no functioning radio and a persistent leak that makes Henry yell, it’s raining!, as we turn a sharp corner and water comes down from the sunroof. I think about that choice when I we’re at a friends house with a great backyard that you can spy from their beautiful kitchen.
And then I think about that choice when we budget to get my husband a personal trainer so he can be in the best shape of his life in his 40s and hopefully not only be around for a few extra years but also be active and enjoy them. I think about those choices when I buy strawberries out of season, book a massage or buy tickets to a concert.
And I’ll think about that choice again when I splurge on another beautiful scented candle to replace the one I have enjoyed for many many hours.
You’ll be hearing more about Vanderkam’s All the Money in the World here as I use some of her strategies to rethink how we spend our charitable contribution money and continue the quest to make our budget fit in with our goals and value while also having room for fun.
What do you think about Vanderkam’s idea that small daily purchases bring us more joy than the one off big ones? Does it ring true for how you strategize your spending?
Every day my children fight because they have to share one small room.
So I’m looking forward to the big luxury when we remodel our home so that every child has its own room.
And I’m affording to live in an area where I don’t need to drive to the supermarket but catch my handcart and walk there.
I’m enjoying having friends over in my big living room.
I rarely eat out and I don’t miss it.
Big luxuries can make life much easier, like a low maintenance-kitchen, an easy to clean bathroom, my hammer drill from Festo, being a stay at home mum, a good sewing machine that works great, high-quality tools.
I borrowed Vanderkam’s book from the library after reading this post. Almost finished it, and really enjoying it — I think that there’s a lot of food for thought there. I’ve heard the same concern before that she raises that people clip coupons, etc. (give up Starbucks, what have you…) because that seems the most immediate/achievable thing to do, rather than improving their financial situation through “bigger” moves: getting a better job, learning how to invest, downsizing.
She talks a lot about the opportunity costs associated with “frugal” behaviours, which I think is a balance for all of us. The one thing that irked me slightly is that one of her biggest fixes is to find a job you love because then you won’t mind working more hours and making more money (so you don’t have to worry about coupons and lattes). I think that kind of view comes from a position of privilege (http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/technology/2014/01/do_what_you_love_love_what_you_do_an_omnipresent_mantra_that_s_bad_for_work.html). That part of her book doesn’t really relate to this post, but it definitely struck me. Part of making my life more simple, manageable, and “minimal” has been scaling back my work hours, even though I do like my job (but I certainly wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t being paid). Having that time off is worth giving up a few lattes and some drycleaning, even though I use most of it to do unpaid work around my home.
Christine – thanks for sharing this thoughtful review of the book.
I also agree that Vanderkam both oversimplifies making more money and overlooks the many people simply do not want to work more than 35 hours a week even if they love their job. As someone who has been dabbling in that illusive but much hyped “make money while working flexible hours from home” gig I can say that it is certainly not easy and definitely not for everyone. We’re not all entrepreneurs which is often an assumption made in these types of books. Not everyone wants to consult part-time outside their full-time job or start a morning dog walking business.
Thanks for including that link to the Slate article. There was an article in the NYTs not long ago about the same topic that I really enjoyed.
I like enjoying the little things and better about buying stuff for the life I’ll actually live vs an unattainable, idealized life.
To me this is all part of the “look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves” attitude to life. The little things are the big things. I keep a gratitude journal, I have done for almost a decade and not once have I listed a big thing. My family and friends feature a lot, sunshine and views, kind gestures from friends and strangers, the garden blossoming, a good afternoon foraging in the woods and yes, the aroma of a beautiful scented candle.
We went to pick my car up from the garage today after a scary moment when the dashboard died completely (apparently a common Renault fault – so common they paid for 75% of the repair). Whilst waiting to be served I wandered around looking at the smart new cars. For a moment I was seduced by the shine and the list of essential extras. But we have never taken out a loan to buy a car, our mortgage was taken out (albeit 20 years ago) on the basis of my husband’s income alone and as we built almost from scratch it is a fraction of the financial burden most people face. The thought of paying £300 a month so that I could have a shiny car really shocked me. I picked up my keys and drove home with the window open and the radio on. My car gets me from a to b, it has a radio and cd player and I can open the windows and feel the sun. Seems good enough for me 🙂
I love this post! I have the most modest house and car of all my friends and family, and I certainly could afford more based on my income, but what matters to me most is the sense of *security* that comes with being able to save money and have a decent savings account. It is priceless not to have consumer debt or a heavy mortgage. I am not big on flowers or candles, but I do enjoy being able to have extra disposable income to spend on massages and dance classes. I have just recently weaned myself from an expensive latte habit, and now I especially enjoy the free coffee at the car shop and doctor’s office! They are a treat!
Consumable gifts are my favorite gifts! Or I insist people take me out or lunch! Lol! I completely agree with spending less on big ticket items and more on simple luxuries. For my husband and I we enjoy saving our money for big trips, small luxuries, and retirement. We have not had a car payment for the last six years, live in a small modest home with a large yard, where we garden and the kids(4 of them) have room to play since our house is not large. However we enjoy this set up. My husband just went back to school, but we no debt and hopefully it will stay that way. However we save any excess money (tax returns, gifts, whatever) for trips. For example we are saving for a graduation trip to Japan and on our 10 year anniversary next year we’ll go to Mexico. For myself, it’s all about planning and spending on purpose. Before we had kids I bought so many clothes and junk and stupid stuff! Now I am more careful about what I spend on and only splurge money on things that make a long day easier. So a quick stop to pick up a slushie once a month or taking one of my kids to a bakery to get a special treat for just the two of us. And of course date night!
It is difficult to see how others live. Sometimes. I try to not compare. I instead remind myself why we choose to live the way we do.
Thanks for the validating post!
I’m a big fan of Laura V, and I like that book a lot. It’s timely for me because my family is just beginning the process of looking to buy a house. I keep remembering what LV said about houses.
What’s more important to us than the inside of the house and fanciness and such is this: location. We want to be able to bike and walk to some destinations. It’s difficult around here because as some have mentioned, if you’re close to stuff, the house price goes up. You can find a cheap house if you’re willing to do a commute (and I don’t want my husband to have a long commute).
Always a tradeoff it seems.
This is interesting an I am intrigued to hear more. Me and my husband’s philosophy has always been quite opposite. We save even on the little things because $10 here $15 there add up and by being mindful of en the little purchases it gives us freedom for the big things that matter to us. Though I also completely agree with the housin and car stuff. We opte for a smaller, fixer upper house that we wouldn’t have to stress over monthly mortgage payments and have NEVER regretted our decision and we drive a 17 year old paid for car that run just fine. That’s not were our priorities are and because of that it has never felt like a sacrifice.
Ah, sorry for all the typos!
Tell us more! I’d like to know what the big things are that you spend on because you purchased a fixer upper home, drive an older car and save on the little things. Is it early retirement? Travel? Charity? Working less? If you have children is it private education or a college fund? Curious and would love it if you shared more about the why and what.
It’s the little things in life for me. Firstly I adore consumable gifts. I turned 40 last week and had some lovely consumable gifts. My friends know me so well. I had 3 cakes! 😉 and they are almost all eaten (not all by me might I add).
The issue with large luxuries is the investment and commitment. A small consumable luxury can be enjoyed in the moment. It doesn’t have to be stored, maintained, insured, cleaned, protected. All these things take effort. I’m so over making the effort to preserve stuff – the majority of things are to be used and enjoyed. Then it’s time to move on.
I’m definitely going to be checking the book out. Almost finished yours 😉
Rachel, I thoroughly relished Vanderkam’s book as well as all of your writing. In fact, my husband and I have changed our thinking about money substantially because of reading her book. I remember that I don’t have to feel weird about paying for someone to mow our yard whenever its our least favorite task. To pay that money really brings us happiness. I also have stopped saving for larger items and have peace about spending more on a daily snack. I recommend “168 Hours” by her as well.
Love your blog, I have to say. I mean that! I’ve read it for several years now.
Thanks, Rebekah. I’m also a fan of Vanderkam and always take note when she has a new article out in a big publication or a book released. She also writes some interesting blog posts over at http://lauravanderkam.com/.
I think, like you said, so many people get used to where they’re living or what they’re driving and downsizing from that would seem like such a sacrifice. They are also the most visible things for other people.
After living in the bus for 3 months now, I have to say, there is still a part of me that feels kind of stigmatized when I tell people and I feel like i have to rush to say that it’s while we build a house so they can breathe a sigh of relief on our behalf. But honestly? It’s totally growing on me. It’s a sustainable lifestyle that most people wouldn’t ever consider.
I expanded this comment into a post and linked back here. Hope you don’t mind: http://www.littlebusontheprairie.com/stigma/
Agree, except I’d put my house in the small/daily luxuries box. Hear me out: I’m in Washington, DC (definitely HCOL) and we live in a close-in suburb, right near the subway line. We pay more every month in mortgage, and have a tiny townhouse with a postage-stamp yard, but every single day I treasure my half-mile walk to the subway and back over a 30-45 minute drive (and I REALLY hate driving, so it really counts). Also I treasure spending $5/day on a metro ticket instead of $15-20/day to park. I view it kind of like an expensive but fantastic pair of shoes where the “per wear” cost is really low because you love them.
This really meshes well with my personal reward system that has developed over the years. Do something hard and unappealing, get something small as a reward – a piece of chocolate, a few flowers in a vase, a few minutes in a quiet corner with a new book. At the same time, we did end up buying a house this time around that is a lot bigger than we wanted…by about 1000 sq ft because of a few other things that seemed a higher priority. #1 was to cut down on road noise – I am really sensitive to it and, even more importantly, my son with severe hearing loss in one ear really suffered in our old house with constant traffic noise. That priority more than any other limited our choice of neighborhood and led us to a much larger house than we wanted. (In our town, road noise seemed to correlate exactly with the neighborhoods with smaller homes). But the larger house (and larger housing costs) gave us other things that mattered very much, such as being in very close walking distance to my boys’ schools (and my future work, as I will start working at my little one’s preschool next year) as well as parks, groceries, doctor’s offices, etc. If we had chosen to put the small house on top, not only would the road noise cause struggles for our family, but we would be much, much more car dependent. I guess for me, it is really a matter of balancing the big things and the little luxuries.
I think it depends on each person and what they find enjoyment in. Granted I do not have children, but I love cooking! Spending an extra $15,000 for the kitchen I really want seems worth it to me because I spend so much of my time there. I also love being out in nature so I’m willing to spend more money to have more property that my husband and I can enjoy on a daily basis instead of a once a week trip (or every other week) to the state park. It really just depends on each individual person.
I agree! We moved last summer (corporate relocation) and opted to spend more than we had planned (but still well within our means) for some acreage in the country. I’m a SAHM and my husband has a job where he is not tied to an office. He is pretty much somewhere different every day, or works from home. (He also has a car allowance that pays for his vehicle expenses and a company gas card, so his transportation cost to/from work aren’t a factor for us.) But we are SO much happier and less stressed than we were living in our previous suburban neighborhood(s). So I don’t think there is a one size fits all solution. As for the $15K kitchen vs. babysitting….I very much enjoy cooking too, so that is really tempting. For us, as a family with small children, if we had to chose a more efficient, nicer kitchen which would benefit family meal time (cooking is more of an act of passion/love for me than just a means of survival) versus babysitting for 6 years….hum, I don’t know…can we spend $10K on the kitchen and have a babysitter 2x a month for 3 years?! 🙂
Love the kitchen and sitter compromise. The best of both worlds. No steam oven but you still get some dates nights. 🙂
This made me chuckle to myself about how unique we all are – we are a family with small children and just moved from acreage in the country to the ‘burbs and are much happier and less stressed!
I love this! I’ve actually started to do this more lately — a jar of fancy organic Italian hazelnut spread, or a small bouquet of flowers brings me such joy in my daily life. More so than a large collection of designer handbags, or a fancy car! And since my husband and I include a monthly “allowance” into our budget, I can enjoy these little treats without compromising our regular monthly spending.
The point about the extra $15,000 for a fancy kitchen versus six years of weekly babysitting was great! I’d never considered it in those terms before. Makes me wonder what else I’m not really thinking through…
Blessings,
Shannon
White carnations are my go to flower. If you take care of them they last up to two weeks and they are so frugal, just a few dollars for a bunch, I get a kick out of buying them twice a month.
$15,000 kitchen: Vanderkam has many examples like that in her book. Great for me to read as we’re thinking of moving.
If the luxuries are still special, then I agree. I get into trouble when my special treats are common enough to not be treats anymore.
Nice point, Katie. I’ve definitely become accustomed to some small luxuries – for sure Starbucks coffees back in my pre-kid days – and they no longer feel special or like a treat.
This is key for me, I think. I’ve read that the human brain notices change very well, so sometimes I get into trouble when luxuries become daily habits. My brain doesn’t really recognize them as luxuries as well as when they’re more infrequent.
For instance, Starbucks once a week would bring me more joy than Starbucks every day. Every day, there’s no change for my brain to recognize. Once a week, it’s a change from the ordinary.
I think it really depends on the person. I’ve really enjoyed some big purchases and small purchases. We don’t really have the option to live somewhere in Austin that won’t cost 1/2 of my husband’s monthly take-home pay. Cost of living v. wages is insane here. If he wasn’t in a career that’s basically set, we’d probably move. For us, we are trying to find a home we’d want to live in for the next 20-30 years or until my hubby retires. Yard is important to me as seeing green trees is one thing that leads to daily happiness. If I gave that up, it would most definitely have a negative impact on my mood. Moving from our house in AZ with zero trees to living in a small duplex with a small yard that has a giant tree, I’ve noticed a HUGE difference. When I get stressed, I just go sit on the trampoline under the giant tree. Also, we just bought a brand new car, and I can’t explain the gratitude I have every time I drive it over the cars we were afraid would break down. I think it all just means that you need to know what makes YOU happy. I know what makes me happy and okay that it’s not the norm 🙂
When I read this section of Vanderkam’s book I couldn’t help but think of my hometown of Vancouver. Real estate simply isn’t affordable for most people so everyone is paying high rent or a big mortgage with little wiggle room for other costs. Vanderkam herself moved from NYC to Philadelphia so she knows how unaffordable small housing can be in HCOL areas. I’ve been mulling over if those HCOL cities are really worth it for some time now. I love Vancouver and all it’s amenities, walkability and easy access to nature, but is it worth the cost? I guess we’ll have to answer that question when/if we move back.
Ha! That was my first thought as well – a lot of people in my part of California would consider themselves lucky to spend ONLY 50% of their take-home pay on housing and transportation. Housing is expensive and it’s a very car-centric culture. If your housing is cheaper, it’s likely because you’re way out in the burbs or edges and then transportation is more expensive. Even public transit is surprisingly expensive around here.
That said, I totally agree with the general point here. One thing that has helped me is to cut going out to eat – except once a week as a family for a cheap but fun meal or an occasional date night. That is, to cut back, but not cut it all out. I do buy myself a coffee on the way to work, but usually only on Fridays, to celebrate the end of a week. You can have luxuries, just maybe not as frequently, and they still feel meaningful.
This post made me smile, this is exactly the way we think.
My husband and I were in our early thirty’s with two children when we bought our first house. At the time we consciously sat down and asked ourselves what was most important – the little things or the one big thing. We decided on the little things (tho not too many of them!) and bought a small house.
Our motto then, as it is now is: small house, small truck, small travel trailer, small pool – great big life!